Turns out, nothing unites a divided nation like 90 minutes of running in circles—followed by a 4-1 humiliation. Who knew?

In conclusion, the 2026 World Cup has proven that America will watch *anything* if you slap a tailgate on it, call it ‘historic,’ and let crypto bros sponsor the halftime show. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we’re off to pretend we’ve always loved soccer—just like we pretended to love cricket, rugby, and competitive cheese rolling. Go team… or something.